I sometimes feel that there is such a thing as a justifiable suspense of certain modes of thinking based on an impulse. This feeling is what can push for actions that would otherwise be avoided. It is, however, just a feeling and more a feeling than a rationale.

I am a rather impulsive person so this does not come as a surprise to me nor should it surprise anyone else who knows enough about me. I get inspired and pushed and then I want to ride on that wave immediately or otherwise it will just pass me by and I will be left waiting for the next time something like that happens.

I want to make music, the kind of music I may be listening to at a given moment in time. This want is inspired by that music, in fact. Shall I pass it by or act on it?

In such moments I often find myself choosing between what I here call the “suspense” and perhaps, the patience, the hard road ahead. I have a Windows installation left on dual boot. It has FL Studio installed in it, a full scale easy to use music production environment which I know how to use because I made music in it years ago. The choice between suspense and patience here is a choice between booting into Windows, starting that program and drafting my first music track in a while, and, downloading Studio 64, waiting for a download to finish, install it and then try to re-grasp how all the programs in it work to start making some tunes, definitely harder and more time consuming.

The first choice requires a suspense of one particular thing, perhaps the only thing I care about that can be counted as its disadvantage, the fact that both Windows and FL Studio are proprietary software.

The moral high ground seems obvious. Do not, ever, boot into Windows and use proprietary software if you have even the slightest chance of doing the thing you would do with it, using Free Software.

Well, that’s why it is called a suspense. ;) It is a suspense of that particular part of rational thought. So where is the justification for it? I don’t know, but I can guess.

If I go the easy road, choose the suspense, boot into Windows, I can get a track draft made in hours, hence potentially restarting my music making, something I’ve been longing to do for, well, perhaps even years. The track that could come out of this would be a Free Work, licensed for free use, sharing and remixing by anyone.

If, however, I go the hard road it would take a lot more time to get to that stage and will put me through various demotivating stages on the way. Whether this will, or if it will result in a restart of my music making is a big question. No freely licensed work in sight and my perpetual creative urge still remains un-addressed.

There is just one little thing left to consider, however. There is a certain pleasure in being able to create a new music track using only Free Software, one which would be denied if the track was made using proprietary software. The question is, will that satisfaction outperform the satisfaction I would have with a track done in far less time and possibly even with greater quality due to the quality of the tools I used to make it?

So.. we are back to the feeling. Perhaps, the suspense, can sometimes be justified. The suspense is an entirely personal compromise, made quietly and with conscious knowledge of the facts whose consideration was suspended, perhaps swallowing a small bit of guilt in the process.

Choosing between short term benefit and long term… uncertainty.

I haven’t made my choice yet.